Sexy Mens: Butler and Demon Lord
by Cheese Time
Summary: Warning: Total crack to follow. Kyoya has taken on a contract to have Sebastian as a butler. But when one has Sebastian around, some sort of fornication is inevitable. Who will be the uke? Will it be filled with cheap plot devices to justify time travel logic? Will their love transcend history, or might a certain red reaper interfere? Will there be DDR? Who knows...
1. Don't drop the soap

**A/N: Warning - total crack to follow. This was written as a present to someone who likes Sebastian and Kyoya an awful lot. 'Cause if you see one guy, you think it's cute, but two guys, all over each other, with wind blowing in their hair... that's sexy. I'm incapable of writing anything serious, so this... is what I came up with. It's a snarkfest, so if you don't like seeing your favourite characters being mocked to the point of it just being fuckin' ridiculous, then go elsewhere...**

**But stick around if you want to see these guys dicking it. (Who wouldn't?)  
**

* * *

Kyoya watched as Tamaki layered on can after can of deodorant.

"I must smell like the divine! The prettiest of kings, the gentlest of knights, the most fanciful courtier!" Roses seemed to fall out of nowhere into the air, and they littered the floor of the changing room soggily. Kyoya said nothing, he just dried off his hair and started entering the combination for his locker. Class 2-A had just had an hour long lesson in the gym, and everyone was around the boys' locker room, getting changed. Kyoya, having just taken a shower, was wearing nothing but a towel, (and of course his glasses, which were a main addition to his character). The steam still drifted away from his body from the pure _hotness _of the water. Renge had no less than fifteen cameras hidden about this location, and the various scenes are available for an extortionate amount of money. Tamaki was sparkling, as always, next to him. He would have said that he smelled like a French whore, but he _was _a French whore, so it wouldn't mean much.

Kyoya, never giving a fuck about anything ever, just kept drying his hair. He had to stay cool about these things in order to keep up his appearances as a neutral evil character. He was perfectly content to just get through the day, and go back home to do some work.

Fate, it seemed, had other plans.

On the other side of the locker room, was Nekozawa. He wasn't altogether that into sports, as he always tripped over his long black cloak when running, but physical education was a required activity. If the mens of Ouran weren't forced to do excessive amounts of training, they might become fat, and therefore not attractive enough for a shoujo manga. And Nekozawa was having a breakdown, talking to his P.E. instructor.

"_Swimming?" _Nekozawa asked incredulously. "_We have to go... swimming?"_

The coach put his muscular arms firmly on his hips. He'd had enough of Nekozawa's excuses over the years, and was getting fed up. He always skipped out on P.E., and it was becoming pathetic. "Yes, so take that dingy robe off, and get into your speedo!" He held aloft a thin, skimpy little bathing suit with one finger.

"_Never!" _Nekozawa insisted. "_I shall not embrace the light for that purpose, or any other!" _He snickered from underneath his hood, thinking he'd gotten away from skipping P.E. once more. _"So if you'd kindly excuse me..." _Nekozawa made an attempt to creep towards the door, away from the changing room.

But the coach wouldn't stand for it, he snatched towards Nekozawa's cloak, attempting to pull it off. "You're going to go swimming!" the coach insisted. "And you're going to look totally gorgeous and hot while doing so!"

"_Noooooooo...!" _Nekozawa cried in a whisper, now flat out running towards the door. But the coach chased after him. Everyone in the changing room stared at the pair, Tamaki's mouth dropped to the floor. The coach managed to grab ahold of Nekozawa's cloak, and pull hard on it. The black magician wailed, as his shroud was taken from him. His hair was exposed to the light, all shimmering and golden, as his wig, too slipped from his head. The fluorescent lights of the changing room glared down at him, and he let out an almost animalistic howl. "_Cover! Shadow, I need shadow!" _he pleaded, looking about himself in the rawest of frantic desperation.

It just so happened the Kyoya was the closest thing to him. Nekozawa was practically burning in the light, and he had no other choice if he wanted to live. So he pulled the damp towel from around Kyoya's waist, and put it above his head to shadow his face. A muffled sigh of relief came from within the towel. "_Ahhhhhhh, darkness again."_

Meanwhile Kyoya was completely stark naked in the middle of the changing room in front of everyone. He himself let out a sigh of exasperation, as everyone around him panicked. Knowing full well that he was confident with his appearance, Kyoya just let them look. It wasn't as if they'd get another opportunity. Hidden cameras zoomed in. Yes, let them see...

Wait.

Stahp.

They couldn't see, or they would discover... the secret.

Because – on nothing less than his left ass cheek – was a pentacle. A glowing star within a circle, branded onto the flesh. It was glowing purple, creating a dim hue of ethereal light.

"Kyoya! I didn't know you were so metal!" Tamaki exclaimed, looking down at Kyoya's bared ass. "When did you get that done?!" He bent down to closer inspect the megane's butt. "Wow, that must have really hurt! I've only ever been able to put on temporary tattoos, even they hurt sometimes when you have to scrub them off..."

Kyoya just looked around for his pants, eager to get the attention away from his nether region. "It's not a tattoo, Tamaki," although he suspected explaining it would be in vain, he might as well tell everyone now, before rumours started spreading. He slammed the door of the locker closed as he pulled out his Ouran uniform, and started putting it on. "It's a symbol of a covenant that I made. To represent a contract."

"Woah," Tamaki's eyes widened, and he looked appalled. "I didn't realise you did such intense things in order to gain business contacts. I know your father was harsh on you, but... sheesh!"

Kyoya pushed up his glasses slowly with a middle finger. His pants were back on now, and he was working on his shirt buttons. Everyone was looking at him, but the rest of the school thought that the Host Club was a bunch of homo-bags anyway, and this wasn't all that different from their normal questionable activities. So nobody really cared all that much. "It's not for that kind of business deal. I sold my soul in exchange for having an immortal demon servant who is completely overpowered and will do anything I bid. He will eventually eat my spirit, and bring me to a realm of hell and oblivion."

Tamaki smiled, relieved. "Oh," he closed his eyes and tilted his head, "I'm glad. I thought your father forced you into some kinky dealing. You should follow your own heart Kyoya. I always knew you had a way with demons." He was no doubt thinking of all the _high blood pressure evil lord _situations.

Kyoya didn't say anything in response to his kind words. His head was pounding from staying up until 7pm last night, and he wanted to get back so he could go to sleep before his proper bed time. Sebastian would be there, but the like-minded butler wouldn't do anything to hinder his work but tuck him into bed, button up his shirt and clean his underwear.

First he had to endure two hours of the Host club.


	2. I challenge you to DDR

A/N: **Mori probably listens to Super Junior in his free time.**

* * *

For the first time, in music room three, there was someone dressed like a butler who wasn't cosplaying. For none other than the infamous Sebastian himself poured tea for everyone, smiling sweetly all the while. The whole host club was sat around on sofas, everyone staring at Kyoya's servant. Except for Kyoya himself, of course, who sat, computer on lap, doing accounting work for the club.

"Wow, Seba-chan!" Hunny squealed, "this tea is the sweetest!"

Sebastian bowed low to the loli. Kyoya looked up from his laptop anxiously for a second. The butler had somewhat of a rape face on as he looked at the youthful third year. "I'm glad you like it, young sir," he said cooly.

Tamaki was eager to tell everyone about Sebastian's merits. He'd practically given Kyoya an inquisition the whole way over from the changing rooms, and now he thought he knew everything about the butler. "Kyoya told me that Sebastian can do ANYTHING," he claimed. "Absolutely anything he orders..."

Haruhi was not impressed, but the twins leaned in closer, minds churning away hastily. "Anything... eh?" Kaoru pondered.

"Even a septuple head spin?" Hikaru suggested. Of course, a dance move was the first thing they thought of to be difficult. Not, like, rocket science or anything.

Sebastian just kept smiling. "I assure you, I am fully capable of such, young sirs. But my master must be the one to give orders."

Hikaru and Kaoru practically sprung onto Kyoya after that comment. Hunny, in his hypotensive evil beast form, also pounced onto the megane. Tamaki sparkled with excitement, and even Mori leaned in with a fraction of enthusiasm. Haruhi rolled her eyes, naturally.

"Pleeeeeeeeeease, Kyo-chan," Hunny pleaded. "Pleeeeeeeeeease can we see Sebastian do a septuple head spin?"

"It would be so awesome!" the twins said in unison.

Kyoya just sighed, and pushed his glasses up with his middle finger. "Kindly leave me to my work. I have to finish this income report by six."

Everyone instantly went into a state of sulking depression. "It's no fair. You can't just summon an evil demonic butler, and _not_ take advantage of his occult powers for amusement," Hikaru complained.

Haruhi could all but see Kyoya's blood boiling as these comments continued. He started typing more violently on his keyboard.

Kaoru was equally put out. "Nekozawa would be very disappointed."

Tamaki struck a '_I have a plan_' pose. "Additionally, Sebastian would make a sensational member of the host club!"

"Come on, Kyoya, don't you wanna see a septuple headspin!"

Kyoya, it seemed, was destined to get no work done. He would have to stay up until eight today, just getting all his normal chores finished. If there was one thing that raised Kyoya's blood pressure, it was staying up until times as late as eight.

But then his twisted mind came up with an idea. What point was there in having an indentured servant slave, if you didn't push them to the edge of human rights? "Sebastian, I order you to keep the host club distracted while I finish off my work. That means fulfilling all of their requests."

That caused Sebastian to wince, and the rest of the club to grin wildly, but the butler bowed nonetheless. "Certainly, master Ohtori." Because he was such a pro, the pain hardly rang in his voice.

And then Sebastian was at the host club's mercy. They stood up from their luxuriant sofas, and crowded around him. As one, they all chimed the same childish order. "DO A SEPTUPLE HEAD SPIN."

Sebastian, being the master of all dance, had no problem with that. He got down on the flo', beautiful dark locks of hair brushing the music room floor's tiles. Pushing off with his arms, he spun around and around. The twins counted Each rotation with increasing excitement. Once the seventh came, everyone let out a holler of excitement. "Can you moonwalk, too?" Kaoru suggested.

"Indeed," Sebastian confirmed. He recognised this human terminology. He hadn't been to the moon, but there were several voids in the depths of hell with similar low gravity situations - and Sebastian had visited everywhere in hell. So he attempted to simulate walking backwards in one of those places before the host club.

Everyone was astounded when they saw the result. It was so beautiful and life changing. Mori got a nosebleed. Once Sebastian was finished moonwalking, they burst into tumultuous applause. Tamaki wiped tears from his eyes. Haruhi even smiled a little.

Soon the beauty of it was forgotten, and the impulsive hot club thought of more challenges for the butler. "Can you play a perfect game of DDR on highest difficulty?" Tamaki questioned. If the butler could do that, he could assuredly do any task set to him in the known world. Tamaki had recently become infatuated by these video games of the common folk, though it wasn't nearly as graceful as the waltzing he was used to. Sebastian didn't even bat an eyelid at the request, just nodded.

Haruhi turned to her Daddy blankly. "Senpai, there isn't even a DDR table in the music room, it's..." But when she looked back away from Tamaki, she saw that Sebastian was already carrying the heavy arcade game on one shoulder. During the time she'd been looking away, he'd stolen it from the closest children's entertainment centre, right from underneath two overweight noobs testing their dance moves out. "Where did you..." Haruhi trailed off, not having a clue any more.

Sebastian plugged the DDR machine into the wall, and set it on the highest difficulty. He turned to Tamaki. "Have you any preference for the song, milord?"

Tamaki thought it over for a long time, before eventually deciding what the best band to dance to was. "Something by Super Junior," he decided.

"Very good, milord," Sebastian agreed, before firing up the machine. The music started, and what seemed like thousands of different arrows passed the marks per second (the difficulty was set on eleven), but Sebastian had perfect timing for every one of them. He'd spent so many hours trying to teach the young master to dance, he was better than an expert himself. The boys on screen danced in unison – as Super Junior tends to do - and Sebastian's quick feet kept up with the impossible moves, faster than was humanly possible. Everyone gawped, cheeks blushing and jaws dropping to the floor when they saw Sebastian's pure majesty. When the song ended, and Sebastian got a score of six bajilion million, and a hundred per cent, everyone was silent in awe.

The first to speak up was Mori, his eyes watering. "How... How did you do that...?"

Sebastian just smiled and bowed again. "I'm simply one hell of a disco butler."

The entire host club cheered for him, then. Haruhi, having engaged in DDR enough times with her commoner friends, respected the butler's prowess.

Tamaki, eager as ever to start playing, spoke up. "Will you play hide and seek with us, Sebastian?" he exclaimed.

"And kick the can!" Hikaru added.

"Play, play, play!" Hunny chorused.

Sebastian looked briefly over to Kyoya. But the evil lord, still typing on his computer, didn't meet his gaze, or even spare him a glance. Sebastian didn't have a choice. He would have to join them, however degrading. The host club practically dragged him out to the lawn, pulling the butler by the tails of his coat.

As the door to music room three shut, and Kyoya was left alone, he smiled to himself.

This butler was a better investment than he ever could have hoped for. Not only could he perform impossible actions, but he could distract the host club for long enough in order to let Kyoya get work done for once. Happily, he kept filing expenses on his computer.


	3. And then they kissed

**Seeing as it's Kyoya's birthday today, I wore glasses the entire day.**

**My headache knows no bounds.**

* * *

Haruhi found it strangely disconcerting. She'd visited Kyoya's home many times, but Sebastian seemed to take a place there naturally, as if he'd been there all along, for years and years. Kyoya was sitting on the sofa, staring towards his TV. Sebastian, however, was standing by the side of the television, remote in hand. The show Kyoya was watching quickly moved to a commercial break, and Sebastian bowed low. "Would you like me to change the channel, young master?" he asked.

Kyoya just shook his head. "No, turn it off, I want to speak to Haruhi," he ordered, not getting off the sofa. Sebastian bowed once more, and flicked a button on the remote. The massive TV that was worth more than Haruhi's house died, and the servant put down the remote. Was Sebastian just _standing _there the entire time he was watching TV? Making him wait around just to change the channel was a little degrading, even for a butler...

Sebastian then turned to her, gesturing widely for her to sit down on the sofa next to Kyoya. As if by magic, he had tea in his hand. "Welcome, honoured guest of the Ohtori family!" the butler said. "Please, take a seat. Would you like some tea?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess." Haruhi said, sitting herself as elegantly as she could manage on the sofa next to Kyoya. It wasn't very elegant. Sebastian then put the teacup down before her.

"It was found in the grave of the world's first alien invader, madam, and it's more valuable than the entire universe." Oh. Because it looked rather like a regular teacup. Pretty plain, with a little bit of golden tracing around the outside. She took it up, and glimpsed inside. That was weird. The tea was all brown and milky. Had the butler messed it up somehow? "Earl Grey, madam," he told her with his striking, classy British accent. Haruhi started chugging it down, but soon found Kyoya whispering in her ear.

"Spill it on your dress!" he advised, "that way Sebastian will be forced to change your clothes for you." But Haruhi finished drinking all too quickly, and the opportunity was gone. She wasn't sure whether she wanted anything like that, anyway. '_Oh who am I kidding, who wouldn't want to be undressed by Sebastian?'_

"Kyoya, what did you call me here for?" she asked, a little irritated. "Usually it's Tamaki-senpai who summons me to his house after school." And invariably she ignored him. "Do you want something? Is it about my debt? The host club."

"No, Haruhi," Kyoya said, pushing his glasses up with his middle finger. He breathed a thoughtful sigh. "I figured that you're probably the second most intelligent student in the school. If we join together, we can become an unstoppable force. No one will be able to outwit us. Together we can achieve," suddenly the lights dimmed and Kyoya's face seemed to be grinning demoniacally, "WORLD DOMINATION!"

Then the lights turned back on, and Haruhi saw that Sebastian was fiddling with a dimmer switch on the wall. She didn't understand what was going on? Was '_world domination' _going to be one of their cosplay themes? "S-senpai, just let me say... what the fuck have you been smoking?"

"That's what my contract is with Sebastian," Kyoya explained. "Once I reign over the world, he will eat my soul or whatever." Haruhi shuffled over away from him on the sofa. About a meter. "And I'll need all the allies I can in order to become a God. Damn, a certain notebook could really help me out... Anyway, I was hoping you could be help me out. You're very clever, Haruhi. We could rule alongside each other. Wanna oppress hoards of peasants with me?"

Haruhi backed away to the very edge of the sofa. Sebastian sighed. "It's no use, master, I apologise for suggesting it. If only there was another demon to give Haruhi a contract." Sebastian leaned in to her with his malicious smile.

"_I don't want you to eat my soul!_" she wailed. Both Sebastian and Kyoya sighed. Kyoya kept sipping delicately on his tea as if absolutely nothing had happened. He closed his eyes contemplatively.

Well, at least he hadn't tried to rape her this time. She relaxed on the sofa a little. This must have just been his way to teach her a lesson, like last time. But what was the message? It was all freaking confusing, because this was a crack fiction with a plot thought up by someone who gave as many fucks as a true neutral character. "Sebastian, I would like to apologise for the way the Host Club acted towards you today," Kyoya said, facing the butler. "You're a dignified, classy guy who shouldn't be forced to do DDR."

Sebastian stepped away from the lightswitch, and swept over to the plushy sofa. "No, master, truly it was nothing." Then, mysteriously, the wind started blowing through his hair, and his eyes watered up a little as he he looked into the distance. At that moment, Haruhi could almost hear his heart throbbing, and his brows furrowed in perfect agony. A few buttons of his shirt came undone with the raw emotion. It was the level of passion that could only be attained on Fanfiction. "My old master never treated me as kindly as you..." he breathed, on the verge of tears. "He never thanked me for all the hardships I went through. He made me do far more degrading things than perform DDR. Once... I had to wear a pink bonnet. It was domestic abuse..."

Kyoya couldn't handle watching this display any more, keeping a straight face. All at once, he burst out into streaming waterfalls of tears, completely soaking the sofa. His sympathy for Sebastian knew no bounds. Once Sebastian saw Kyoya crying, he quickly broke down, and both of them were weeping like babies. Sebastian collapsed onto his knees in front of the sofa, and they were wailing worse than in a boss fight against Pinwheel. "That must have been so horrible!" Kyoya blubbered, between the gasps. "I cannot express my sorrow in words." He lunged forward and wrapped his arms around Sebastian's neck, pulling him into a deep embrace. Never had there been so much angst in such a short time, or in such high concentration.

Haruhi stared. She stared for a very long time. She doubted even Tamaki could produce this many tears. Once he noticed she was watching, Kyoya lashed out at her. "GET OUT OF HERE HARUHI SO WE CAN CRY LIKE MEN!" he yelled.

Haruhi wouldn't dare object, she decided to let herself out of the house as quickly as possible, practically sprinting from the sofa up to the door, and running out to the corridor beyond. Sebastian neglected his butler duties by not showing her the way, but for once, he didn't care about anything but his tender hug with Kyoya.

"My old master once forced me to be tortured for days," he related. "I was at the mercy of my captors, completely unable to defend myself."

"I'll protect you, Sebastian, forever and ever! I don't know what I would do if something ever happened to you."

"Thank you, master. You're the best master I could ever dream of!"

"Let's rule the world together!"

And then they kissed.

Their tongues snaked around each other like writing, over excited eels in a fish pond. Sebastian jammed his hand into Kyoya's hair and pulled him closer for a fleeting moment, amplifying the intensity (11) of their kiss. Their saliva mixed together as one, in a great sloshing bucket of love. Sebastian bit at Kyoya's lip, like the tender nip of a little fish. Steam practically drifted upwards from the dreaminess of their make-out. Both of their noses were gushing blood, and it mixed with their saliva and tears in one unhygienic combination. Although Kyoya was versed in medicine and health, he didn't care one whit about it, because these were the raw fluids from _SEBASTIAN. _

But all of a sudden, and to Kyoya's great disappointment, Sebastian turned away, forcing Kyoya off him. "Forgive me, master. That was very... improper of me." He stormed out of the door in an instant. "I must attend to dinner."

"Make me a sandwich while you're in the kitchen," Kyoya shouted after him.


End file.
